Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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