Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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