a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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