it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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