Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
