Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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