My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
