Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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