ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
