Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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