Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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