Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
