New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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