Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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