loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
