My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
