"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Randomize
