I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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