I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
