I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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