Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
