Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
