I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
