Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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