u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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