oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
