Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Drunk is not a location!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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