i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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