i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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