i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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