im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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