I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
40s are totally the cure
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
