What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
