I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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