So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
