What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
