There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
