The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
