I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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