I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
