I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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