if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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