I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
