the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
