not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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