I'm pants shitting drunk right now
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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