I wish my penis had an off switch
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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