my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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