I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
