A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
