So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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